Celebrating Caroline - Day 18

Memory #18: Saying Goodbye

This is the memory that is probably most difficult to write about.

Re-living the last moments you ever spend with your child is quite emotional so bear with me if this gets lengthy because when I'm emotional, I tend to ramble :)

Doug called me from the hospital to tell me that Caroline wasn’t doing well on the night of September 4^th.

I panicked, but, oddly enough, there was a sense of peace in the midst of the panic.

I called my Mom to come watch Benaiah so that I could go to the hospital.

But before she could even get to our house, Doug called again to say that our neighbor, Marcille, was on her way to keep Benaiah because I needed to get to the hospital immediately.

Marcille’s husband, Jeremy, drove me to the hospital because I was so nervous.

I remember talking to Doug on the phone as Jeremy chauffeured me to UMC.

He told me that it would be a miracle if Caroline lived.

The strangest calm came over me and I said, “I know.”

I really did know.

In the depths of my soul, I knew that this was the end.

I hung up the phone and calmly said, “My baby girl is going to die tonight.”

Poor Jeremy didn’t know what to say.

But I wasn’t really talking to him.

I just needed to say it out loud.

Doug asked the doctors and nurses to keep Caroline alive until I got there.

The 30 minutes it took me to get to the hospital seemed like an eternity to everyone.

I’ll never forget the solemn feeling of the NICU that night.

It seemed so quiet despite the relentless beeping of the life-giving machines all around me.

When I rounded the corner, every nurse in the NICU was standing around Caroline’s bed, many crying.

Doug took my hand and took me to her bedside where the doctor was performing CPR.

Her color had already changed so dramatically from when I'd seen her earlier that day.

I broke down and told Caroline that we’d see her again one day – that we’d all be with Jesus soon - and that I loved over and over again.

The doctor continued CPR so that Doug and I could hold her while she was still alive.

We kissed her and held her tight for just a few minutes until we knew it was time to let her go.

We sang “Jesus Lover of my Soul” to Caroline as her soul went to be with Jesus.

And we continued to cry and kiss and hug her and drink in every part of her that we possibly could.

My mom and Doug’s mom were also there and were able to hold her and rock her until we decided it was time for the doctor and nurses to do all the official stuff to pronounce her dead.

Thankfully, we were then able to spend as much time as we wanted with her in a room adjacent to the NICU.

All the tubes, IVs, wires….

All the stuff that had been attached to her since just moments after her birth…

All the stuff that had sustained her life for 20 days…

They were all detached from her body now. 

We were able to bathe her and put her in the outfit I’d picked out months before to take her home in.

We tried to contact several photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep but weren’t able to reach anyone, so we ended up asking our dear friend Michelle to come take pictures of Caroline and our family.

Marcille brought Benaiah to the hospital and several of our friends and family members joined us in saying goodbye to our sweet girl.

 

The range of emotions I felt in the hours we spent in that room with Caroline after she died was so wide.

I felt proud.

Proud that she’d fought the good fight, and I was more than happy to show her off to those who came to see us that night.

I felt afraid.

Afraid that I wouldn’t remember every detail about her body once she was out of my sight forever.

I was smitten.

I kept staring at her, thinking I’d never seen a more beautiful little girl in my entire life.

My mind also couldn’t help but think about what she was experiencing in heaven while we held her body here on earth.

She was experiencing Jesus and the fullness of his glory.

She was experiencing perfection.

Caroline had been healed.

The Balloon Project #18

Gary, Michelle and Micah love you, Caroline!!!



Celebrating Caroline - Day 17

Memory #17:  The Begging

Maybe on some level you could call it praying.

But let's be real.

I spent months upon months upon months....

Begging.

Begging the Lord to heal Caroline.

Begging Him to rewind time and form her body "correctly" when she was conceived.

Begging Him to spare our family this road of hardship.

Begging Him to send a tornado to hit our house so that we could all just go to heaven together.

And even after Caroline died, I begged Him to raise her back to life and give her back to me.

We spent many, many hours on our knees throughout my pregnancy and Caroline's short life.

We worshiped.

We cried.

We wailed.

We praised God for her.

We glorified Him because we knew her life was in the hands of an Almighty God.

We thanked Him for letting her grow inside of me and allowing us to love her.

But mostly we begged.

Caroline's death obviously doesn't compare to Christ's death for our Eternal salvation, but I swear there were times that I almost sweat blood as I begged God, as Jesus did in the garden, to "let this cup pass from me".

But He did not.

And I have struggled greatly with that.

Although the answers to "Why?" are very clear in God's Word (I'll spare you the Sunday School lesson), they're very difficult to accept.

They don't satisfy my longing.

And they have tested my faith.

I'll be honest.

Until the day when I my faith becomes sight,

I'm still begging Him to send that tornado :)

The Balloon Project #17

Bruce, Charise and Abigail love you, Caroline!!!

 

Celebrating Caroline - Day 16

Memory #16: Caroline’s Right to Life

I have a love/hate relationship with doctors.

I love that they can be used of God to help heal. 

I love this quality about them so much that, looking back on my life, I wish I’d become one.

On the flip side, there are areas of medicine where our technology is so advanced that some doctors get “too big for their britches” if you get my drift.

I had one such doctor.

He wanted to do every test under the sun to see if we could determine an exact diagnosis for Caroline.

After our very first, very stressful visit to see him, we made a decision:

We weren’t going to make any decisions.

At least not while we were at the doctor’s office being “encouraged” to do test after test after test.

We would go home, pray about the decision(s) that had to be made and call him the next day with the verdict.

And EVERY time we left those doctor’s appointments and went home to pray about it,

The Lord said, “Be still.”

Don’t move a muscle.

Don’t do a thing.

Her life is in my hands.

You see – no matter what the outcome of those tests were, our choice was the same:

Life for Caroline

There was actually a point in the pregnancy when, if we had allowed certain tests to be run and they’d come back positive, we could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy.

Do you see this baby girl?

We could have chosen to kill her.

And the crazy thing to me is that we actually have this choice.

Because I don't believe that ending a person's life is a choice at all.

There are people out there who hold the opinion that choosing life for a child who will probably either die or have lifelong disabilities is the wrong choice.

And I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE.

Make no mistake.

It’s a HARD choice.

But NOT the WRONG choice.

Our "choice" lead us down a road of no regrets.

Our "choice" gave us peace.

Our "choice" allowed us to have our daughter with us for 20 days.

Yes, we have a lifetime of grief ahead of us because of our "choice".

But let me make this very clear:

Choosing life for Caroline was worth Every. Single. Second.

The Balloon Project #16

Uncle James, Aunt Alicia, Lucy, James Andrew and Anna love you and miss you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 15

Memory #15:  Choosing Her Name

Caroline's name was chosen long before Caroline even existed.

Let's face it - We girls have been thinking about names for our children since we were little girls ourselves :)

So when Doug and I started trying to have kids...

The pen, paper and Baby Names book quickly found it's way into my hands!

After much thought, we decided that if we had a girl, her name would be Caroline Anne.

We just fell in love with the name Caroline; and Anne is a family name from both sides of our family.

Caroline's brain abnormality was detected at our very first ultrasound when we didn't yet know what the gender of the baby was.

Because of all the fluid that had already begun building up around her brain, it actually looked as though her skull hadn't even formed.

We were given a diagnosis of acrania.

And we were told that this condition was not compatible with life.

There, the long road began.

We began praying,

And researching.

And praying.

And researching.
Then my friend Kelli told me of a blog she found that was written my the mother of an acrania survivor.

At last....

We had hope!

Her name was Vitoria de Cristo.

Vitoria de Cristo lived in Brazil and had recently turned 2 years old when we found her mom's blog.

I have to be honest and say that seeing her for the very first time was pretty difficult.

We just weren't accustomed to seeing babies with cranial deformities like that.

But, we were trying to prepare ourselves to have a baby just like Vitoria de Cristo so we began to read her blog.

It was hard.

Hard.

And more hard.

But their baby girl was ALIVE, and her parents gave absolutely ALL the glory to the God.

So we began to ask the Lord to give us this same story.....

This same miracle.

Several weeks later we had another ultrasound that provided us with good bad different results.

Our baby did NOT have acrania.

But it was clear that her brain was developing abnormally.
Things still weren't looking great, but we were sooooo excited about this new development because we thought that perhaps the new diagnosis would be compatible with life.

At this point in our journey, Vitoria de Cristo had become a part of our life.

We checked her blog every day.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say this...

We fell in love with her.

She stole our hearts.

Vitoria de Cristo's life impacted ours so much so that when we found out that we were having a girl, we decided to change her middle name from Anne to Victoria.

We love the name Victoria because we were confident that whether in life or death, Caroline would be Victorious in Christ.

On July 17, just one month before Caroline was born, Vitoria de Cristo went home to be with Jesus.

We grieved...

And we rejoiced that she had been healed and was in the perfect presence of Christ.

She lived a beautiful life and we were so grateful to know her story.
I find a strange comfort in knowing that Vitoria de Cristo was there beside Jesus when He healed Caroline.

I KNOW they are good friends in heaven, just busy being....

Perfect.
Caroline means "Beautiful".

Victoria means "Victory".

Caroline, you are, without a doubt,

A Beautiful Victory.

(If you want to read about Vitoria de Cristo, her blog is www.belovedvitoria.blogspot.com)

The Balloon Project #15

Uncle Chuck, Aunt Carol, Taylor, Ashlyn and Jackson love you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 14

Memory #14: Benaiah's 1st Birthday

I'd never heard the term "Irish Twins" before I found out I was pregnant with Caroline.

It's a term given to children who are born to the same mother within 12 months of each other.

Caroline was born 16 days before Benaiah's 1st birthday so she and Benaiah are officially Irish twins! :)

It was important to me that we celebrate this milestone in Benaiah's life; and although Caroline couldn't get out of the hospital for the party, she was on our hearts and minds the entire time.

I like making my own decorations for parties, but I just didn't have time to be crafty so it was a bit of a "store bought" party.

We hung oversized balloons in the tree in our front yard...

We made a streamer wall with pictures from each of Benaiah's first 12 months of life...

We decorated his high chair...

And we put a funny birthday hat on his head...

Just look at that Chunky Monkey!

I'll admit, it was a bittersweet celebration without Caroline there with us.

In fact, I'm pretty sure Doug spent half of the party wishing he was at the hospital with her.

It's hard to be in two places at the same time.....

Pretty impossible, in fact, for our bodies to accomplish this.

But our hearts?

They can definitely be in two places at the same time!

My heart is in heaven and on earth every single day.

I love you, Benaiah and Caroline.

The Balloon Project #14

Grammy loves you and misses you, Caroline!!!



Hey, People!

I'm 2 today!



Celebrating Caroline - Day 13

Memory #13:  The Rainbow

We celebrated Benaiah’s 1^st birthday while Caroline was alive.

(More on that later)

After his birthday party, we went to the hospital to see Caroline; and as we were driving we saw this beautiful double rainbow.

“When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.”  Genesis 9:16

When we saw Caroline, her eyes were open and she was squirming around more than usual.

It was one of her best days.

The Balloon Project #13

Scot, Amy and Asher love you, Caroline!!!