Life Unplanned: Celebrating Caroline

Memory #18: Saying Goodbye

This is the memory that is probably most difficult to write about.

Re-living the last moments you ever spend with your child is quite emotional so bear with me if this gets lengthy because when I'm emotional, I tend to ramble :)

Doug called me from the hospital to tell me that Caroline wasn’t doing well on the night of September 4^th.

I panicked, but, oddly enough, there was a sense of peace in the midst of the panic.

I called my Mom to come watch Benaiah so that I could go to the hospital.

But before she could even get to our house, Doug called again to say that our neighbor, Marcille, was on her way to keep Benaiah because I needed to get to the hospital immediately.

Marcille’s husband, Jeremy, drove me to the hospital because I was so nervous.

I remember talking to Doug on the phone as Jeremy chauffeured me to UMC.

He told me that it would be a miracle if Caroline lived.

The strangest calm came over me and I said, “I know.”

I really did know.

In the depths of my soul, I knew that this was the end.

I hung up the phone and calmly said, “My baby girl is going to die tonight.”

Poor Jeremy didn’t know what to say.

But I wasn’t really talking to him.

I just needed to say it out loud.

Doug asked the doctors and nurses to keep Caroline alive until I got there.

The 30 minutes it took me to get to the hospital seemed like an eternity to everyone.

I’ll never forget the solemn feeling of the NICU that night.

It seemed so quiet despite the relentless beeping of the life-giving machines all around me.

When I rounded the corner, every nurse in the NICU was standing around Caroline’s bed, many crying.

Doug took my hand and took me to her bedside where the doctor was performing CPR.

Her color had already changed so dramatically from when I'd seen her earlier that day.

I broke down and told Caroline that we’d see her again one day – that we’d all be with Jesus soon - and that I loved over and over again.

The doctor continued CPR so that Doug and I could hold her while she was still alive.

We kissed her and held her tight for just a few minutes until we knew it was time to let her go.

We sang “Jesus Lover of my Soul” to Caroline as her soul went to be with Jesus.

And we continued to cry and kiss and hug her and drink in every part of her that we possibly could.

My mom and Doug’s mom were also there and were able to hold her and rock her until we decided it was time for the doctor and nurses to do all the official stuff to pronounce her dead.

Thankfully, we were then able to spend as much time as we wanted with her in a room adjacent to the NICU.

All the tubes, IVs, wires….

All the stuff that had been attached to her since just moments after her birth…

All the stuff that had sustained her life for 20 days…

They were all detached from her body now.

We were able to bathe her and put her in the outfit I’d picked out months before to take her home in.

We tried to contact several photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep but weren’t able to reach anyone, so we ended up asking our dear friend Michelle to come take pictures of Caroline and our family.

Marcille brought Benaiah to the hospital and several of our friends and family members joined us in saying goodbye to our sweet girl.