Celebrating Caroline - Day 14

Memory #14: Benaiah's 1st Birthday

I'd never heard the term "Irish Twins" before I found out I was pregnant with Caroline.

It's a term given to children who are born to the same mother within 12 months of each other.

Caroline was born 16 days before Benaiah's 1st birthday so she and Benaiah are officially Irish twins! :)

It was important to me that we celebrate this milestone in Benaiah's life; and although Caroline couldn't get out of the hospital for the party, she was on our hearts and minds the entire time.

I like making my own decorations for parties, but I just didn't have time to be crafty so it was a bit of a "store bought" party.

We hung oversized balloons in the tree in our front yard...

We made a streamer wall with pictures from each of Benaiah's first 12 months of life...

We decorated his high chair...

And we put a funny birthday hat on his head...

Just look at that Chunky Monkey!

I'll admit, it was a bittersweet celebration without Caroline there with us.

In fact, I'm pretty sure Doug spent half of the party wishing he was at the hospital with her.

It's hard to be in two places at the same time.....

Pretty impossible, in fact, for our bodies to accomplish this.

But our hearts?

They can definitely be in two places at the same time!

My heart is in heaven and on earth every single day.

I love you, Benaiah and Caroline.

The Balloon Project #14

Grammy loves you and misses you, Caroline!!!



Hey, People!

I'm 2 today!



Celebrating Caroline - Day 13

Memory #13:  The Rainbow

We celebrated Benaiah’s 1^st birthday while Caroline was alive.

(More on that later)

After his birthday party, we went to the hospital to see Caroline; and as we were driving we saw this beautiful double rainbow.

“When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.”  Genesis 9:16

When we saw Caroline, her eyes were open and she was squirming around more than usual.

It was one of her best days.

The Balloon Project #13

Scot, Amy and Asher love you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 12

Memory #12: Caroline’s Room

We fully expected Caroline to come home.

We prepared for her to come home.

We absolutely knew the seriousness of her medical condition.

But we hoped for the best.

We hadn’t finished decorating Caroline’s room when she was born, so we spent many late nights trying to get it ready for her homecoming.

I have a painting that my parents bought me when I was in the 4^th grade of Kathy Thibodeaux who is the founder and principal dancer of Ballet Magnificat.

I dreamed of hanging this painting in my little girl’s bedroom for many years.

So obviously we went with a ballet theme for Caroline’s room.

Doug painted the dresser pink and white.

My mom helped me make the tu-tu dust ruffle and valances.

And we tied lots of pink ribbon everywhere.

A beautiful room for Beautiful Caroline!

The Balloon Project #12

Marc, Diana, Matt, Bethany, Ava, Emmaline, Samuel, Lydia and John Mark love you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 11

Memory #11: The Scent of the NICU

My explanation of this memory won’t take long because I’m not exactly sure how to describe the very distinct scent of the NICU.

Perhaps…..

Sterile.

I mentioned before that Benaiah has several doctors at the children’s hospital; but the main entrance is not by the NICU.

Several months after Caroline passed away I took Benaiah to a doctor’s appointment.

The main parking lot was full so I had to park on the opposite side of the hospital and enter beside the NICU.

As we walked past the hallway that leads to the NICU…

It was like I hit a wall…

The scent hit me.

Tears stung my eyes.

I felt like standing in the middle of that hallway and drinking in that smell for the rest of my life.

That sterile, hospital-ly smell will forever remind me of my girl.

The Balloon Project #11

Granddaddy and Gran love and miss you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 10

Memory #10: Caroline’s Surgery

When Caroline was 8 days old she had surgery so that a shunt could be placed in her head which would drain the fluid off of her brain.

We knew from very early on in the pregnancy that she had hydrocephalus.

So we knew that this surgery was inevitable.



Before surgery



It was a nerve wracking day for us.

Our 8 day old baby was having brain surgery.

We stayed by her side for as long as we could.

We were with her when they placed her in the incubator for transit to the OR.

We also got to walk alongside the incubator as they transported her.

And of course we were there after the surgery when they transported her back to the NICU.

Things changed that day.

After surgery

Her head shape began to change daily as the fluid began to drain.

And new medical problems began to occur.

For the first time ever, her brain was being given the freedom to function properly.

Ultimately, it would not.

However, we had 12 more days to hope that it would.

The Balloon Project #10

Kim loves you, Caroline!!!

Celebrating Caroline: Day 9

Memory #9:  Seeing Her Name

I don't think that monogramming a child's name on items is as popular in other parts of the country as it is in the South.

But we luuuuuuv our monograms down here.

And I luuuuuuv the gifts I got with Caroline's name on them.

If our house catches on fire, I'm running straight to Caroline's room to save these items - after all the humans in the house are safe of course :)

My best friend Cara made Caroline this li'l blanket, and the nurses let us leave it in the NICU with her.

When the lights started bothering her, they would even put it over her eyes so she could rest.

The blanket got stained from her sweat and all the gunk that was on her head for various reasons.

I'm sure you can guess that we have not, nor will we ever, wash this blanket :)

My friend Charise made her this sign for her bed in the NICU.

Isn't it adorable?!

These two personal items were all the rage in the NICU.

Both nurses and other parents were always asking me where I got these.

From good friends! :)

My sister gave me this precious bow for when Caroline got a little older and her hair got a little bit longer:

And Doug's Aunt Mary gave us this fabulous blanket:

I just love seeing her name.

The Balloon Project #9

Marc, Cara, Jack and Mary Rey love you, Caroline!!!



Celebrating Caroline - Day 8

Memory #8: Baby Shower

Although this event took place before Caroline was born, it is a precious memory of mine that I cannot go without mentioning.

The sweet girls at my church, Grace City, threw me a baby shower at one of my favorite restaurants, Amerigo, a few weeks before Caroline made her big debut.

They gave me gift cards to buy baby girl stuff and groceries, for restaurants and spa days.

It was truly a shower of blessings!

Now every baby shower is special to an expectant mother.

But let me tell you why this one was extra special.

Every single one of those ladies was aware of the fragility of Caroline's life.
But....

They celebrated her life anyway.

I am so thankful for the gifts they gave me because I was able to purchase some things for Caroline that I will treasure always.

But, in truth, the thing I am most thankful for is what that baby shower did for my soul.

That shower said, "Elaine, that sweet girl you feel squirming around in your body is a gift from the Lord.  That precious baby that we may never meet matters to us.  That LIFE is special."

Those two hours eating pasta at Amerigo said, "Caroline, you are loved."

The Balloon Project #8

Howard, Linda, Denton and Avery love you, Caroline!!!

 

This may be my favorite Balloon Release photo - Avery sending Caroline's balloon right over the Rocky Mountains!

Celebrating Caroline - Day 7

Memory #7: Jackie Carrillo

While a team of doctors and nurses were taking care of Caroline, Jackie Carrillo was taking care of me and Doug.

Jackie was a part of the Pediatric Palliative Care team.

Our friend Anna educated us on Palliative Care and how their team helps families make decisions when faced with either difficult, long-term health problems or "end-of-life" situations.

Doug and I had strong opinions about when to or when not to sustain Caroline's life with the help of machines and we wanted to be sure our desires were met so we decided to enlist the help of Palliative Care.
When we met Jackie, she assured us that "parents know best"; she encouraged us in our decision making; she documented everything we desired for Caroline; and she gave us her full support.

I was at a routine check-up when some "probing" went a little too far and made me start having STRONG contractions.
I was only 35 weeks along and I wasn't ready.

And I KNEW Caroline wasn't ready.

Specifically, I knew her lungs weren't ready.

The doctors and nurses jumped into action immediately and WAAAAY too fast for me.

I needed things to slow down so I asked if we could just give it some time and see if the contractions would stop.

But they weren't listening to any of that crazy talk so I told them to CALL JACKIE!
Jackie got there quickly, talked to the doctor, probably read some graphs or something and then put her hands on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Elaine, today is Caroline's birthday whether you like it or not."

I laugh about this scene now, but I was NOT laughing then!
After Caroline was born, Jackie came to see me and Doug daily to check on how we were handling the stress of having one child at home and a baby in the NICU, how our relationship was doing, how well we understood everything that was going on with Caroline, etc.
On the night Caroline died, Jackie came to the hospital to be with us.

We didn't know it at the time but her father had passed away just hours before Caroline went to be with Jesus.

If I'd known this, I never would have wanted her to be there.

But she came despite her own grief.

Jackie, you are a testimony of how to love well and we are soooooo thankful for you!!!

(Lucky you - I can't figure out how to get your photo off the Internet - ha!)

The Balloon Project #7:

David, Anna and Walker love you, Caroline!!!



Celebrating Caroline - Day 6

Memory #6:  Dr. Famuyide

There were a lot of doctors and nurses who took care of Caroline from before she was ever born until after she died.

We are thankful for them all.

They ALL helped us do what the Lord called us as Caroline's parents to do.

And that was to give Caroline the best chance at life that we possibly could.

For whatever reason, Dr. Famuyide is the neonatologist we connected with best.

She spent time with us.

She explained everything that was going on with Caroline's health.

She told us what to expect if "this" went one way or "that" went another.

She shared our faith in Christ and sincerely wanted to be His hands of healing here on Earth when He would allow her.

Dr. Famuyide's shift was over when Caroline died.

When she arrived at work the next morning, she got the report that Caroline was gone.

She was shocked and called me immediately (and VERY early I might add - ha!) in such grief over our loss.

It was her loss too.

She loved Caroline too.

For days and weeks after Caroline's death, Doug and I had to talk ourselves out of driving to the NICU to see Dr. Famuyide.

I'm not sure what we'd do once we saw her, but the desire to be with her - someone who watched over Caroline when we couldn't - was stronger than I ever expected it to be.

Dr. Famuyide will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Ummm...Is it legal to pull this picture off the Internet and post it on my blog? LOL

The Balloon Project #6

Uncle Clay, Aunt Traci, Reagan, Riley, Anna Reid and William love you, Caroline!!!

Clay and Traci may or may not have sent me these photos a little late.

 I may or may not have just gotten them today.

:)

My original plan was to post their pictures on Anna Reid's birthday at the end of the month.

But I couldn't wait.

Because when I opened this first picture....

Heaven.

This is EXACTLY what I picture Caroline doing in heaven with her friends.

Running.

Laughing.

Experiencing a Joy that we will never know until we join her.

A picture of heaven :)

Celebrating Caroline - Day 5

Memory #5: Caroline's Pothole

Yep.

I named a pothole on I-20 Westbound after Caroline.

Doug and I often drove home from the NICU in silence.

Tears falling.

And every. single. day. Doug hit the same pothole on Interstate 20.

I never said anything to him about it.

I knew he was lost in thought and never saw that pothole approaching.

Not once.

The city of Jackson has filled in the pothole since last year so instead of our right wheels sinking down into it, they bumpety bump over the asphalt it's patched with.


It's strange, isn't it?

The things that trigger reminders of our loved ones.

And that ole pothole reminds me of our time with Caroline.

Caroline's Pothole

The Balloon Project #5:

Uncle Scot, Aunt Gwenn, Raleigh and McKinley love and miss you, Caroline!!!